the other

…

there is ‘another’ staring back at me

i see her every single day.

she grabs hold of my mind with a grip so strong –

i fight daily just to break away.

…

she is incapable of thought

and

impulsive –

unable to let go.

she rules with emotion

working hard to destroy

the beauty my heart tries so desperately to sow.

…

her obsession effects not only myself

but

those around me whose lives she has touched –

commandeering the goodness they so graciously share

tearing apart feelings

and

hearts i have loved.

…

why can’t i sever her power?

jostle

or

tussle her

loose?

why do i seem to begrudge her –

allow her to make me feel wretched and blue?

…

i do wish i could vanquish ‘the other’ –

have the strength to drive her away

but

till the moment arrives

when i can annihilate her control,

i must continue the battle

every waking hour

of

each

day…

…

always, never

§

always on the outside

always looking out

never on the inside

never looking out

§

always looking forward

never seeing a path

always remembering when

never forgetting the past

§

always wanting to trust

never any luck

always treading water

never giving up.

§

§

Lily Lake

choreography by me

?

i sit and stare deep into space –

wondering what has happened to me.

questioning my choices,

decisions made,

how it is things have come to be

¿

i often think about regret –

what is it really –

can it be real.

am i simply complaining

about random outcomes

or

it is a gut wrenching sorrow that i sincerely feel.

?

I realize the past is no longer –

it’s the present that is here and now

and

a future which follows in the morning,

along with whatever time is left –

before my final bow.

¿

if there is one thing the dancer in me knows –

it is the show must always go on.

to put a smile on your face,

step out on to the stage,

have some faith

and

give it all

till it’s

gone

∞

∞

?

the maker of dreams …

–

a veil of darkness

softly imbues the night sky

his face peering through

with a close and watchful eye

intentions questionable …

…

…

…

the face in the sky…

the haunting

darkness fills the room

while staring at the ceiling

&

darkness fills my heart –

it is persistent and unyielding.

≠

another middle of the night,

i am alone by myself

haunted by memories –

lying in my own private hell.

≠

i can recall every second

of every minute

of every hour –

lose myself deep within my head

of thoughts which wield

such incredible power.

≠ 

i keep thinking there will come a night

when my heart and head separate –

reflections of what haunts me so

will be whisked far away

and

evaporate.

≠

but

until this time arrives,

i am haunted.

under…over…

i think about a lot of things.

i think.

ˆ

i mean, i think of things i need to think about.

the problem,

i think,

is i over think the things which i needn’t think too much about

&

under think the things i need to think more about.

ˆ

SO

ˆ

if i really think hard on this:

ˆ

i need to over think the things i under think

&

under think the things i over think………..

i think.

ˆ

over – under – over – under….

i think i am getting a headache.

Liebster Act II – award doings #9

Welcome to the Liebster Cycle. Act II brings us back to the computer where Words4jp is fearlessly typing away – pondering life in the ‘sphere, waiting anxiously to play school bus with Pee to pick up J&P from school and wondering when it is time to eat lunch. (I still have a few hours, danggit.) So, without further adieu –

My favorite Scottish bud Shaun has been very kind and nominated me for a Liebster Award. I must say that I am very flattered, honored and tickled for his consideration and, most of all, thankful for his friendship. Shaun’s site is called Looking for reasoning to a complicated world. I would like to encourage each and every blogger in the world-wide ‘sphere to visit his site –

http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/

I can guarantee you will not go away empty-handed. His site is a treasure trove of all sorts of ‘things’, for lack of a better word. I learn, laugh, tear up, enjoy – all sorts of wonderful experiences when reading his words.

On to the rules:

1. The Liebster Award is given by bloggers to bloggers
2. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about themselves.
3. Each blogger should answer the 11 questions given to you.
4. Choose 11 new bloggers to pass the award on to and link them in your post.
5. Create 11 new questions for the chosen bloggers.
6. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.
7. No tag backs.

Before I go into more juicy details about myself, I would like to announce the 11 nominees:

Maestro – cue Copeland’s Fanfare for the Common man:

1. Simple Speech – http://simplyspeech.wordpress.com/
2. 108 Plus – http://108plus.wordpress.com/
3. cherriemack – http://cherriemack.wordpress.com/
4. The Sanctuary of My Heart – http://thesanctuaryofmyheart.com/
5. YouOnlyLiveOnce – http://yolonce12.wordpress.com/
6. evocativewords – http://aliaitken.wordpress.com/
7. almostannika – http://almostannika.wordpress.com/
8. Tranquil Mind – http://dishanrajapaksha.wordpress.com/
9. adventures of a contradictory mind – http://adventuresofacontradictorymind.wordpress.com/
10. allyouseekiswithin – http://allyouseekiswithin.wordpress.com/
11. {PaperKeeper} – http://paperkeeper.wordpress.com/

Please note that the above blogs all have under 200 followers (the rules) – they are all great sites and I encourage all my bloggerbuds in the bloggerverse to check them out:) Now let’s waltz through the questions, answers, more questions and facts –

*Maestro – please cue Strauss’ The Blue Danube…………………..

Questions for me to answer:

1. Favorite song – uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – at the moment Dusty Springfield’s You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me – sung by her or Elvis.
2. Biggest flaw – too sensitive – which attaches to many other things.
3. Happiest Memory – Oy, tough one. Besides those special moments with my boys, I would have to say The Nutcracker when I was Clara – alone on stage dancing to the music which precipitates the war between the soldiers and mice. The music swells as the tree grows on stage. There was a spotlight on me and I was performing grand jetes and tour jetes – I was in heaven! (Just got chills!)
4. Who do I love the most – my two boys, my Pee and one other.
5. Movie I love the most and why – This is a really tough question to answer, because I love so many movies. Let me just say it is a movie in which I am with my boys and I can feel their enthusiasm as much as my own.
6. Who inspired my thinking? There really is no ‘one’ person. My parents and my children.
7. Fear the most – going for it. It changes daily.
8. Makes me laugh the most – my kids and Pee.
9. My first love – crush – J.L. from my freshman year in college.
10. What did I want to be when I left school – a professional ballet dancer.
11. The defining moment in my life – there have been many but the absolute most would be the birth of my first son. NOW – let me just say that I can hear Jordan right now teasing (lovingly) his brother saying that mom loves him more – so I am going to say the birth of both of my boys!!

*Maestro – please cue Franz Lehar’s Waltz of the Merry Widow:

Questions for the nominees:

1. What would be your perfect meal (doesn’t matter which)?
2. What famous athlete would you change places with?
3. If you could pick one dream to come true, what would it be?
4. If you have a smart phone or tablet – how many apps do you have?
5. Do you remember what a rotary phone is or looks like or still have one?
6. If you had to choose between going to a sporting event or performing arts show, which would it be?
7. If heaven is on earth, where do you want it to be?
8. Who was your favorite teacher in elementary school (lunch lady does not count)?
9. If you had the chance to cure one disease, ailment, or non-medical related issue, what would it be?
10. What is your wish for mankind?
11. Would you prefer to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Brontosaurus?

& now stuff about me…………………..

1. As a kid, I was running back stage and accidentally rammed right into Beverly Sills! (fyi – famous opera signer)
2. I have had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled.
3. When I lived in NYC, I used to watch Paula Abdul guest teach jazz classes at the studio where I trained – Broadway Dance Center.
4. I discovered my favorite vendor/cart food when living in NYC – piping hot potato knishes slit open with spicy brown mustard squeezed in.
5. The year Elvis died, my mom, aunt and I made the pilgrimage to Graceland. I met Elvis’ dad – Vernon.
6. I love mocha chocolate chip ice cream.
7. I love bananas – especially with peanut butter.
8. I prefer thin crust pizza.
9. I enjoy running on the trail, but find the first mile to be the hardest.
10. My favorite cheese is Parmesan.
11. Calla Lilies are my favorite flowers.

Alrighty then, there y’all have it – This concludes Act II of the Liebster Cycle. There is more to come, but until then, happy writing, happy reading, happy day!

Hugs,

Kimberly

a journal – no. a blog – yes.

In the midst of digging through old boxes, I found a bunch of old journals. They date back to my senior year in high school, freshman year in college and my first year after graduation. There are a few others – cute little note books containing one or two entries and the rest being those of empty pages. It’s as if I lost interest before I even started. The only reason for two of the ‘complete’ journals is the simple fact they were required for two English courses in school. If my memory serves me well, the teachers wanted us to explore our thoughts and ideas in a non-restricted and informal way. We were instructed to write about specific topics, as well as those of our own choosing. We were not expected to create fine literature accompanied by perfect grammar and punctuation. Instead, we were encouraged to let our minds wander in unison with our Bic pens; to ‘simply write’.

I spent a few hours perusing these journals. It was as if I took a giant step backwards, to a place so familiar yet foreign and safe in a very unsettling sort of way. Reading words from the past dredged up all sorts of memories. What I found the most intriguing were the comments written by my freshman English professor – Mrs. Margaret Allensworth:

10/10/1987 “I’m glad to see you are taking your journal writing seriously. It will make you an even better writer.”

11/16/1987 “Your journal is wonderful & I’m confused that you have so much trouble with your “public” writing when your private writing is so provocative & fluid. Maybe you need to relax a bit – or perhaps, you should just start writing & not worry so much about formal topic sentences & grammar. It’s often better to just begin to write & keep writing & discovering. Later you can go and “fix” the rough spots up, or decide about the main message of your writing. Don’t get so engrossed in the mechanics of writing that you lose sight of the essence; i.e. the discovery of meaning. And don’t fret – your writing will get better; you have my word on it.”

Mrs. A

Thirty years have passed since my first journaling efforts and I have made a few sporadic attempts. Unfortunately, each effort was abandoned after a few entries or a few weeks. I, who enjoyed writing could not quite find the momentum or desire to write. A few years ago, it was suggested by a friend to try blogging. Blogging? At the time, I had a basic idea of what blog writing was about but the thought of it scared me. Believe it or not, the actual writing was not the issue – it was the technical aspect of the experience. Until the moment of suggestion, I had only used the Internet as a mail carrier, a sales catalogue and a newspaper. The idea of ‘public writing’ seemed a bit intimidating. However, the idea of writing a blog peaked my interest. I felt quite intrigued. I soon began to experience the urges I had as a kid – writing about things, thoughts, feelings, observations – some personal, some general. Before I knew it, I was setting up a blog and had begun writing my first entry. That was in 2010 – 69 blogs ago. I cannot say that my creativity has been consistent, but I have always followed Mrs. A’s advice. I sit, begin typing, placing thoughts into words; expanding on an idea, an event or a feeling. Once I start, I do not stop. When I am finished, I begin the tweaking process. I replace, re-arrange, delete and when all is said and done, I glide my cursor to the right side of my screen and click ‘Publish’.

So, before I say adieu, I would like to say that my topics of choice may be humorous, disheartening, trivial, or whatever one chooses them to be. The reader may agree, disagree, like or dislike. For me, this experience is more like engaging in conversation than that of writing an essay. I relish the opportunity to communicate; having my ‘voice heard’. Please know that I appreciate the chat and the time you have taken to read my personal reflections.

—————————————————————————>>>>> Publish!