Posts tagged ‘Parents’

a scent

it is there…

so vivid, so strong.

i believed i had conquered it.

i believed it was gone.

but

it was not.

i was wrong.

how could a scent from so many years ago

still haunt me and bully me –

affect me so?

how can it still fill my senses,

and

freeze my thoughts?

take me back to childhood memories…

i detest

and

have fought?

why do i get anxious

and

defensive –

feel the need to retreat?

how do i battle

an all-encompassing response –

and

avoid this habitual defeat?

the last time this scent infiltrated my senses,  was the last time i saw my father alive.  i know that not every person who drinks and smokes is an alcoholic.  my head knows this, but my heart cannot – will not – process it.  it rules with an iron fist.

all of my senses become acutely aware – what i smell, what i hear and what i see.  even the slightest effects are gravely exaggerated.    i am no longer a 49-year-old sitting at a table in a restaurant – i am a 6-year-old sitting on a bar stool wishing my daddy could be different.  i experienced every cigarette, shot of whiskey, beer chaser, shout, stumble and along with it, extreme fear and loathing.

February 17, 2014 at 2:25 pm 7 comments

flickers for mom

a glow in the room

she lights them for her mother

eight flickering flames

 ∫

menorah 2

December 1, 2013

The Hanukkah menorah belonged to my mother’s father.

The mats below were made by Jordan in 1997 and Peyton in 2000.

My mom passed away December 10, 2004.

December 2, 2013 at 3:45 pm 12 comments

four weeks to forever

ς

four weeks was all we had –

to catch up and to talk,

about the past, the present

and

a future that would never come.

ς

for every ounce of fear i possessed,

she held on to a dream

for the only place

she had ever longed to go –

a place to rest,

to be at peace.

*

i knew deep inside,

she was right –

  what was best,

and

that ‘the monster’ she had been given

would swallow her whole –

take what little life

there was left.

ς

i did all i could to be with her –

to capture each and every image

in my head.

to hear every word,

every giggle,

to touch her face

and

feel her breath.

ς

four weeks to the day,

her final sentence had been announced.

she left my side

to seek her dream –

no longer lost

but

forever found.

ς

ς

ς

Our four weeks began November 11, 2004

and

ended December 12, 2004

painted at 16

self portrait – age 16
1960

November 13, 2013 at 3:41 pm 25 comments

my not-so-little guy

once

so small –

years gone by –

my little guy

has gotten so tall.

he is still just as cute

with a twinkle in his eye

and a giggle that warms my heart.

he was once my little baby boy

NOW a sixteen year old bundle of joy!

Happy Birthday ‘Little Guy’!!

A_long_time_ago

A very, very, very long time ago….
about one years old

Peeton

post soccer season pizza party
October 2008

corn

summer of 2013
Peyton and his ‘corn’

Terms of endearment: 

Jordan calls his brother Little Guy.

Peyton calls his brother Guy.

I call them both Pnut and a whole host of other names of which I cannot reveal or I risk being disowned.

October 25, 2013 at 1:21 pm 17 comments

a quickie Howdy Doo

Howdy Doo Y’all –

I wanted to let you in on a little excitement!  I am very thrilled and I am about to burst……. Jordan is coming home this weekend!!!!!!  In less than two days…..

He is taking the bus home on Friday afternoon. I pick him up at night around 10ish.  He will be here through Monday and busing it back to campus on Tuesday.  Monday is Columbus Day (this is a national holiday in the USofA) and school takes a mid-term break.  He is primarily here to work at the amusement park – Six Flags Great America – where he labored this past summer.  They have a big Halloween thingamajig where they decorate the park with scary ghouls, add a few haunted houses and several dozen ‘extra employees’ to walk around the park in makeup and costume.  Their ghoul – oops, meant goal – is to scare the pants off the park patrons.  My son will be amidst all of the activity with a camera – video taping the ‘going’s on’.

Jordan will be staying with Pee and I.  Peyton will be out-of-town with his dad and step mom, visiting his step sister at her university.  I am not certain what Pee will do.  I am planning on taking her vroom in the car to pick him up.  If I know my girl, she will cry, and give him lots of kisses.  She will then give him the cold shoulder (he is the one that left her) and when all is said and done, she will be honky dory.  (Translation:  He takes her for a walk, gives her a boney, some tum tum and she gets first dibs on ‘her’ side of ‘her’ bed.).  I have not seen Jordan since mid-August, the longest I have ever been parted from either of one my children.  We have texted, emailed and Skyped, but I have not been able to hug him and this I miss terribly.  I am hoping I do not squeeze him to bits:)

On a separate, yet related note, I realize I have been a bit distant on my reader. For the past three weeks, I have been preparing for the momentous arrival, which means I have been cooking.  I made chili, chicken soup, Buffalo Mac & Cheese (his 3 faves), pulled pork carnitas and pumpkin oatmeal.  I have had my trusty assistant tasting, I mean assisting – Peyton – who has indulged in all of the goodies.  My freezer is filled to the brim.

I really have no big plans for the weekend except spend every second I can with Jordan – that is when he is not working.  When he is working, I will be cooking – I still need to make my meatloaf, turkey burgers and granola.  I will also shop for whatever it is he needs to take back to school.

I will keep in touch – I have so much on my mind – much to write.  I will also take photos!  I can’t help but wonder if Jordan has grown a bit more. (I grew an inch my freshman year in college.)  I can tell already he has matured some, BUT I can bet all of his new-found maturity will be left at school – he is coming to stay with mom so why bother bringing it home?

Until I type again…….which will be soon……. Kimberly xx

oh – here are a few pics….

chili

my chili

Peyt and chili

Peyton eating chili
a four-way bean chili
(it’s a Cincinnati thing…)

chix soup

chicken soup with egg noodles
& parsnips, carrots, celery

freezer

state of the freezer
pre-carnitas storage

pititful

a moping Pee on ‘her’ couch
with a tugtug (old sock), blankey & pillow

October 10, 2013 at 8:47 pm 20 comments

swimming through life

Every once in a while, I take a stroll back into the recesses of my blog.  I always find it entertaining and enlightening to see what oozed out of my brain a few years ago.   It is also interesting to see where my mind was ‘spending it’s time’ – the dark basement, upper floors with plenty of windows, in the clouds or in another universe along with dark matter and alien life forms.  Here is a piece I posted on March 8, 2011.  (I have taken the liberty of editing a few bits and pieces.)

Swimming Pool = Water + Lane Lines = Life

‘Life as a swimming pool filled with crystal water and lap lanes framed by lane lines’.

Yes, I know.  It may sound a bit cliché and corny, but for some reason the thought recently entered my mind.  I have spent the better part of two, almost three decades in and around a pool.  I taught water fitness classes, trained for quite a few triathlons, rehabbed countless dance injuries, three knee surgeries and two herniated discs, relieved the discomfort of two pregnancies and countless life traumas – all the while as I was swimming back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.  Never once in those thirty years did I ever see a swimming pool as a metaphor of life.  NEVER.

How is it this metaphor came to be to me?  I was composing an email to a friend and trying to find a way to look at life in a more lighthearted manner.  I wanted to clear the heavy and suffocating air with a splash of water – a little something to stimulate the senses, create a little hope and possibly a smile.  Thus popping into my head….

The Swimming Pool –

‘Life is like swimming in a pool’ – no matter how many minutes, laps or miles, one moves back and forth and back and forth and…  It is an activity that only one person can do for themselves.  You can share a lane, even train with a partner or two but, when all is said and done, it must be you that swims the laps.  Practice makes you stronger and prepares you for whatever event you are training for or goal you may seek.  You may have extraordinary swimming days, middle of the road days or just down right horrible days.  The thing is you never really know until you jump in.

Water + Lane Lines –

Where do lane lines enter into this metaphor?  Quite simply they are there – right by your side.  Depending on your exact location in the pool, there may be one or two, but wherever you may be, a lane line will be present.  The purpose for a lane line is really two-fold.  One can think of them as the painted yellow lines on a highway.  They keep you moving along a straight path.  They can also be a kind of life preserver – a life line, so to speak.  When fatigue unexpectedly arises, the line is there to grab hold.  If you are in the middle of a 50 meter or 25 yard pool, the lane line is a welcome sight – a feeling of comfort and assurance.  It can be used as a momentary place to rest or as a tether.  Whatever the case may be, it is there to assist.

The actual lane line itself, can be one of three things – taut, with a little slack and very loose.  A taut lane line is nice, but not good for the actual material itself.  In time, the fibers on the cable strip away and, as a result, become very flimsy and ultimately rendered useless.  If a lane line is too loose, then it floats all over the place due to the current(s) in the water.  It can also become a hindrance, either cutting the width of the lane or widening it.   Anyway you look at it, loose lines make for a ‘swervy’ swim.  Swerving right and left can be very dangerous if you are sharing a lane.  Getting a head butt by an oncoming swimmer can be very dangerous, not to mention painful.  A perfect lane line is adjusted firmly – not too tight but not too loose – just a little give.  I like to think of it as a graceful wave, sort of like breathing, but instead of up and down, the lane line moves right and left.

Life –

Life is the swimming – the workout.  From the beginning to the end, it can be fun, exhausting, horribly trying at times and rewarding.

So, where is it I am going on this tangent?  The lane lines are our family, friends, teachers, confidants, etc…  They are there for guidance and support.  Sometimes they do get in the way – are a bit intrusive or a hindrance.  Then there are times we need or allow the ‘use’ of them – grabbing hold, supporting and/or tethering the way to our final goal or outcome.  There are times when a workout can be very trying and sometimes the unexpected can occur.  One can get overwhelmed, regardless of how accomplished or experienced a swimmer may become.  A cramp can surprise you without the slightest warning and having a lane line by your side to grab hold is truly a life saver.

My Life…

When it comes to swimming, I personally prefer the lane lines that are not too tight or too loose.  I enjoy the swim and try very hard not to use the lines, but I do take comfort in knowing they are there.  I like to know there is a line – a special someone who I can grab hold of in a paralyzing moment of fear or indecision.  I do not require they swim my workout for me. Only I can swim the laps that go back and forth. I do, however, want to trust they are capable of support and can prevent me from drowning…….. falling into that chasm which will prevent me from reaching the other end of the pool, my final goal or inevitably living my life.

September 25, 2013 at 4:30 pm 9 comments

Saturday with Syd and stuff

The three faces of Sydnee Pee

pee 1

pee 2

pee 3

all pictures taken within a 5 minute period and presented in order

And stuff….

Hello – I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Saturday and a Happy Labor Day weekend to my fellow Americans.  Pee and I are home alone this weekend.  We have not much planned – I have begun writing the mother of all award thank you blogs.  I have the usual house cleaning and I also have lots of writing to create for my company’s website.  There will also be some biking on the trainer and running.

Jordan is away at school.  He lives in a residence hall where everyone majors in a form of mass communications.  He is the only underclassmen on his floor and shares a room with a sophomore, who is majoring in photography.  He is adapting well, sounds great but tired.  Keeping very busy, getting use to a college schedule (going to bed after midnight), likes his roommate, has made some friends and is already scheduled to start filming!  He will be working on the university’s cable news program and sports events – yes, college football!

Peyton, as you already know, has begun his sophomore year, soccer and driver’s ed.  He made the JV (junior varsity) soccer team, which for a sophomore, is quite an honor.  He is, of course, the low man on the totem pole, but he is getting his butt kicked – no pun intended – and loving every minute of it.  He is also digging the driving thing.  I am certain this was obvious by his huge smile in the picture I took of him behind the wheel for the first time.  I can tell he is missing Jordan and I can tell Jordan misses him.  Apparently, Jordan texts his lunch and dinner menu everyday.  Oy!  Speaking of food, Peyton and I are going to be co-creating a blog.  We hope to begin next weekend (we have been waiting for life to settle a bit).  We have the concept and the site. I will let you know when we are up and running….

Sydnee is forlorn.  The week after Jordan left was bad.  She did not eat, had a lot of stomach distress and slept on his bed.  When Peyton is here she lights up – when he leaves, she looks like the end of the world has arrived.  I am doing my best to keep her at ease.  She may be a dog, but she is my daughter and her brothers’ sister and she is having to adapt just like us.

I need to skidaddle, but before I do, I will leave you with some pretty cool photos taken last night at a soccer game which did not happen.  Enjoy:)

Game time – 4:30pm

south sky

sky to the south 4:35pm

storm coming

sky to the west taken at 4:35pm

storm scales

northern sky taken at 4:35pm

Looked like fish scales.

storm poofs

sky overhead taken at 4:40pm

taking Peyton home

taking Peyton to dad’s at 5pm

There were huge wind gusts, blowing leaves, breaking and falling tree branches.

driving home

driving due west at 5:10pm

Due to rush hour traffic, I inched-wormed it home, so I was able to take photographs when I was not white knuckling the steering wheel.  The wind was pushing my car sideways.

driving home 2

driving due west at 5:25pm

There was marble sized hail.

home

home at 5:45pm – FINALLY.

August 31, 2013 at 2:56 pm 14 comments

illusion then & now

*

dreams of fairies, swans and dolls

ruled a childhood

from the earliest dawn.

*

bobby pins, tulle, satin and lace

created an illusion –

cloaked the scars on her face.

*

pirouettes, arabesques, and jetes abound –

freedom of movement

in which a life could be found.

*

the studio and stage –

being her only home,

where the world was shut out

and

she could feel safe on her own.

*

dreaming, dancing, LIFE – they are all the same

they create an illusion

of smiles, beauty and grace

but

the reality is such

no one chooses to see –

it’s what we do to ourselves to be

what you want us to be.

ς

ς

 

August 28, 2013 at 3:20 pm 14 comments

first drive

all adjustments made

eyes wide, grip tight, nervous smile

power speaks volumes

a calming and loving voice

in a parking lot we go…

 ↓

behind the wheel

the first time ever
August 24, 2013

August 26, 2013 at 1:06 am 22 comments

pnut

tears keep streaming down

staggering sadness pains me

I’ll miss him so much

walking gitchy

the last ‘w’

August 12, 2013 at 5:53 pm 20 comments

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