holding on but trying to let go

~

i try to filter out the dark from the light ~

think of his laugh, his voice,

his smile, his eyes

but

with the light comes darkness ~

the moment i last saw him as he walked away

and

the horror of finding

what i could never have imagined on that day ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~

how do i hold onto the beauty of his light

without

grasping the shadows of darkness?

~

~

 

 

 

 

 

~

whiskey

~

he would pour himself into a shot glass

and

drink his soul away ~

away from those he loved dearly

and

the world around him

~ everyday ~

~

he would bathe his spirit in a slow, slow burn ~

allowing the heat to dissolve his pain.

he did not care to live his life ~

only

to drown himself in shame.

~

there was nothing we could have done,

except stand by him

and

reluctantly watch

ζ

and

ζ

love a man with a spirit

so broken,

so conflicted

and

so despondently

lost

~

~

release

≈

˜

˜

blood flowing through veins

swelling to a crescendo

erupt to the surface

need to feel alive

˜

˜

≈

March 17 5:25am
moon over a frozen pond

darkness of winter

‡

the darkness of winter brings a sadness inside –

an awareness so many are gone.

like the colors of autumn fading away,

cherished memories seem to wither along.

*

this time of year used to mean so very much –

days full of holiday cheer

but

now i barely see a crumb of what was –

i see only sadness mixed with tinges of fear.

*

i wish i could ignore

the merriment which surrounds me,

but

the media will not stop pounding it into my head.

if

i could only lock the doors to the world and disappear,

i could exist without this feeling of dread.

‡

‡

final flight

ς

she was standing on a precipice

looking down upon the clouds.

her mind littered with memories,

lots of questions

and

crowded with doubts.

ς

her body stood as if frozen –

not a quiver or a flinch

and her face was cold as a stone –

not a blink or even a wince.

ς

it seemed as if time stood still

but the hours kept passing by…

as reflections of her past –

regrets

and

pain

refused to back down or die.

ς

then

ς

tears began to fall

as despair jumped in to grab hold –

there was no turning back,

no redemption of faith –

she let go and threw away her soul.

ς

ς

she stood at the edge of the precipice…

on the tips of her toes…

she opened her arms…

took one last breath…

and

flew far away

from

all

of

life’s

woes…..

ς

ς

ς

while cycling in app land…

to do as others do
to fit in
to look cool
to have fun
to relax
to be mature
to feel confident
to be loved
to forget
to let go
to exist
to die

I have been riding my bike (on a trainer) and have been thinking about Cory Monteith – the talented actor and singer from the television show Glee and a 31year man who recently died as a result of mixing heroin and booze. I am saddened – terribly.

My heart and mind have been heavy since the announcement of his death and, yes, I figured it was drug related. In having read about his drug use and stints in rehab, I had this sick feeling inside that his demons may have gotten the better of him this time. Unfortunately, my feeling was real.

When I hear about these tragedies I just wish I could grab these hurting souls and shake some sense into them. I understand that an addict has to make the change for themselves. No one can make it for them. But, why can’t they see what it does to those who are left behind? I know they can’t but I wish for a moment they could. Maybe, just maybe, they would think twice.

My dad had his first drink and cigarette at age 10 and continued to the day of his death at 67 years old. I remember asking the doctor why he could never stop – because he never stopped. I never once – in 45 years – saw my father sober. His body became so dependent on the poison that if he stopped, he would go into shock and death was eminent. My dad had approximately 70% of his normal brain function near the end – a PET scan showed brain tissue that had been destroyed due to almost six decades of alcohol poisoning – his brain was 30% smaller than that of a normal adult male brain.

I do not know for certain where I am going with this, I just know that when I hear about these tragedies I think about my dad and my kids and their friends. I think about people I know and don’t know who fight some sort of addiction on a daily basis and I hope that they can get through their battles and come out on the other side – victorious.

I will end on this note: The first time I saw Corey sing on Glee was the show stopper ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ – music by the band Journey. I am going to hold onto to that memory when I think of him and when I think of my friends who struggle with addiction. I will always hope and always believe…..

xx

another day

I sit at my desk with my coffee at hand,

while the one right beside me

sits empty,

again.

 

It’s the start of another day

the sun shines right outside,

with my girl lying beside me,

looking all cute

&

wide-eyed.

 

I am doing what I do,

which is doing my job

& that of another –

who is no longer

here.

 

I miss him – my friend

& the laughter we would share,

even the outbursts of fury

which many times left me

in tears.

 

His moods could swing like tree branches

blowing in the wind;

one moment the big, bad wolf

& the next,

a mischievous

little kid.

 

Sometimes we’d play hooky,

catch an afternoon matinée

or we would take Sydnee to the trail

for a sniff, walk &

play.

 

If my boys came to the shop,

well –

it was useless to do my job.

I’d be out-numbered by

a pooch, 3 adolescents

to

1 mom.

 

There are so many memories,

I have years to recollect

but

for now I have work to do

& and a young lady

wondering———

 

I need a walk and a boney –

mom

is it time

to go

YET?????

 

look at mommy

thinking…..thinking…..

duh?

 

A good bye…. again

This time of year has become an emotional time for me – lots of significant dates all within a few week period.  This year, will be the most difficult as March 19th approaches.  This will mark the first year anniversary of my friend’s death.   I realize that there is still another week before this specific date, but I was thinking today that last year at this exact time, we – my boys, Syd and I had experienced our very last weekend with our friend – as our little family. 

I wrote a piece last year – I began writing on March 19 (the day I found him) and completed it on March 23rd, the day of his funeral.  I wrote one more piece a few weeks later and then I disappeared, until this past January when I started writing again.  I decided to re-post it, because, personally I love reading it and though it is very emotional for me, it is heartwarming, as well & the pictures – I love the pictures.

The blog written below was started on March 19th. Since this time, a very long week has passed. I now want to finish it ………

I lost a friend on Monday. Tonight he will be memorialized and tomorrow be driven four and a half hours north to be laid to rest next to his parents. He was one of six children; the youngest and the first to go. He never married nor did he have children, but he did have his ‘little girl’ – a dog with whom he was truly devoted and totally inseparable. She was ‘with’ him when he passed.

Our friendship was unique and changed ‘faces’ many times through 13 years of life. We became friends, then more, then exes. He was my boss and one can say, I was like – his personal assistant. We always remained friends, co-workers, and co-parented a dog. He was like a step father and big brother to my boys and I would suffice it to say that they were the children he never had.

13 years can seem like a long span of time, but on the other hand, it really is just a blink of an eye. When I reflect back on this time I see so very much. I laugh, cry, smile, and smirk. My memories return to places we have traveled, things we have seen, storms that we muddled and clamored through and those that we managed to swim through with ease and grace. We matured, we digressed. There were good times and bad. So much life lived in so little time – a blink of an eye.

I could continue writing but for right now, I choose to hold on two memories that make me smile and feel warm inside. The first – a train ride across the country on an Amtrak train. Sharing a booth in the dome car and playing a card game. The three ‘boys’ were drinking Yoohoo and we were all laughing, kidding around and just enjoying a life full of wonder and adventure. The second – my friend lying on a dingy, dirty floor in the office after a long, exhausting day out in the field. His head was lying on his girl’s haunches, his arms were stretched overhead giving her ‘gitchels’ behind her ears and speaking ‘sweet baby talk’. He was a 51 year old little boy snuggling with his loving and everlasting little princess.

To me, he will be forever a 51 year old little boy. The boys will miss him, his little girl will miss him and I will miss him.

Daddy and his little girl.

Inseparable

Mt. Ranier
Seattle, Washington
The train took us here………………..

A good bye………..

The blog written below was started on March 19th. Since this time, a very long week has passed. I now want to finish it ………

I lost a friend on Monday. Tonight he will be memorialized and tomorrow be driven four and a half hours north to be laid to rest next to his parents. He was one of six children; the youngest and the first to go. He never married nor did he have children, but he did have his ‘little girl’ – a dog with whom he was truly devoted and totally inseparable. She was ‘with’ him when he passed.

Our friendship was unique and changed ‘faces’ many times through 13 years of life. We became friends, then more, then exes. He was my boss and one can say, I was like – his personal assistant. We always remained friends, co-workers, and co-parented a dog. He was like a step father and big brother to my boys and I would suffice it to say that they were the children he never had.

13 years can seem like a long span of time, but on the other hand, it really is just a blink of an eye. When I reflect back on this time I see so very much. I laugh, cry, smile, and smirk. My memories return to places we have traveled, things we have seen, storms that we muddled and clamored through and those that we managed to swim through with ease and grace. We matured, we digressed. There were good times and bad. So much life lived in so little time – a blink of an eye.

I could continue writing but for right now, I choose to hold on two memories that make me smile and feel warm inside. The first – a train ride across the country on an Amtrak train. Sharing a booth in the dome car and playing a card game. The three ‘boys’ were drinking Yoohoo and we were all laughing, kidding around and just enjoying a life full of wonder and adventure. The second – my friend lying on a dingy, dirty floor in the office after a long, exhausting day out in the field. His head was lying on his girl’s haunches, his arms were stretched overhead giving her ‘gitchels’ behind her ears and speaking ‘sweet baby talk’. He was a 51 year old little boy snuggling with his loving and everlasting little princess.

To me, he will be forever a 51 year old little boy. The boys will miss him, his little girl will miss him and I will miss him.

Daddy and his little girl.

Inseparable

Mt. Ranier
Seattle, Washington
The train took us here………………..