without water

“

“

my words are scattered ~ ~

they are everywhere

and

nowhere.

I feel lost

in a pool

of

profound redundancy.

“

“

“

… faltering…

drops

Friday Flash – Shattered

Felicity at The Dark Chronicles – http://felicityjohns.com/2015/03/27/friday-flash-shattered/ has a wonderful Friday prompt called Friday Flash.  This week’s challenge is called ‘Shattered’.

This is a prompt – to paraphrase Felicity – this is not of ‘word’ only, but of thoughts. It’s feeling the word you see, writing what you feel and revealing a “break” – whether the “break is mental, physical or meta-physical…the point of no return.”  When I saw Felicity’s post, I knew exactly what she meant and knew I had written a piece which, in my humble opinion, describes all of the above.  Incidentally, it is the first poem I ever wrote (not counting high school) and posted on WordPress.

 ~ Numb ~

I want to feel numb – feel nothing.

Feel no love – when it goes away, I do not have to feel so bad.

Feel no hate.

Feel no guilt – for feeling no love or hate.

Feel no hurt or pain – just a nothing existence.

Numb – be dead.  No feelings of anything, just nothingness.

 

A brief explanation:

This piece was originally written in October of 2010.  I shortly, thereafter, revised it as a result of a derogatory comment made by the person who encouraged me to start blogging in the first place.  As a result of his comments (he was not Bill), I buckled under the pressure and lightened it up a bit. I was uncomfortable with this decision, so I posted it – again – word for original word in March 2012 – this being four days before Bill passed away.  What came next was a nightmare I could never have foreseen.  A long story made short:  when I found Bill’s lifeless body, I went into shock.  My neighbor, who had read this piece online and understood my emotional state at the time, was worried for my physical well-being and I was sent, against my will, to the hospital and kept for the day, under ‘supervision’.  I will continue no further on this matter, except to say I had never felt so blindsided, violated, helpless, humiliated, scared, distraught and completely – totally – alone in all of my life.

I did re-post this one more time in February of 2013, after I began writing again.  It was also a few weeks before what was an extremely difficult one year anniversary of Bill’s passing and I had fallen as emotionally low as a person could go.

swept away

just one ~

~

to calm the nerves

to quiet the mind

to dull the pain

but ~ ~ ~ at what price?

~

~

9pm – the view from my driveway – snow encrusted with ice and frosted with lamplight

~

ever too late…never

inscriptions

.

nighttime brings words spoken

only in the dark ~ etched in tears

by voices past and present.

each chapter bleeds the same ~ ~

line after line

page after page…..turning…..always…..until dawn

approaches

and

words begin to fade

.

.

.

sometimes ~

the night air

~

as nighttime touches my skin,

my mind fills with desire

~ each heartbeat fuels a need ~

to be touched,

to be held,

to be wanted

yet

the rhythm of my cries fall on deaf ears

~ always ~

on deaf ears

and

stagnant air

~