holding on but trying to let go

March 19, 2015 at 11:47 am 40 comments

~

i try to filter out the dark from the light ~

think of his laugh, his voice,

his smile, his eyes

but

with the light comes darkness ~

the moment i last saw him as he walked away

and

the horror of finding

what i could never have imagined on that day ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~

how do i hold onto the beauty of his light

without

grasping the shadows of darkness?

~

~

miss you

 

 

 

 

 

~

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Entry filed under: anniversary, feelings, human nature, life, love, Personal, poetry, ponderings, Relationships, thoughts, writing. Tags: , , , , , , , .

my bedtime wishes Madness of the Big Dance…..

40 Comments Add your own

  • 1. DailyMusings  |  March 19, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    your last 2 sentences are haunting-thinking of the good brings the past into the present, which is now so changed. Again I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. ❤

    Reply
    • 2. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:22 pm

      Thank you for your sweet words. I actually wrote the last two lines first. And to be honest, they encompass, in a nutshell, the difficulty of remembering and of letting go and moving on. I wish I was stronger – better at letting go of the bad memories….

      Reply
      • 3. DailyMusings  |  March 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm

        It always seems harder to forget those bad memories- wash them away-I do believe that eventually they dim somewhat. To let go is sometimes to lose that piece of us, part of us that remains with the person who is gone, which for me leads to the fear of having to accept what is now.

  • 4. joeyfullystated  |  March 19, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    xo

    Reply
    • 5. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:20 pm

      Thank you:). xxxxxx

      Reply
  • 6. Caroline Juliette  |  March 19, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    So sorry for your loss my sweet friend. Xx hugs

    Reply
  • 7. EarthSprout  |  March 19, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    Be thankful for the gifts his soul blessed you with. Realize that he would want you to move on and not dwell in his absence my dear. Know that he is with you each and every day smiling down at you & and heavenly supporting you and your sons. Just know. And now rest happy in your amazement of the time you DID have together AND BE grateful on it. Thank God for your time together.

    Reply
    • 8. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      Thank you for your words. I do all these things, and try my best not to allow the sadness to seep in but there are certain dates in which they do……and knowing Bill, he would say “don’t get your panty hose in a bundle”. Yes, one of his favorite and ‘annoying’ phrases:) xxxx

      Reply
      • 9. EarthSprout  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:23 pm

        Good to hear. I understand… go with the flow. I seem to be a widow magnet, I support many- most in face-to-face life. Don’t give up!! You found the strength to find a new job, this is HUGE!! Happy Friday :)!!

  • 10. bruisedbelly  |  March 19, 2015 at 2:09 pm

    Memories
    both happy and sad
    hold onto them
    be glad
    for love is worth every memory
    every tear
    every time
    for those
    we hold dear

    Hugs, and Love XO

    Reply
    • 11. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:16 pm

      Thank you for these lovely words. They are so greatly appreciated and felt deep inside. So true is this. xxxxxx

      Reply
  • 12. Paul Handover  |  March 19, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    I can’t improve on the loving thoughts left by others ahead of me. Except to add that you opening your heart, so beautifully, through your words must reach out to many others who do not share your courage.

    Reply
    • 13. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:14 pm

      Thank you. You are so sweet. I am very thankful to my friends on WP. Y’all make the pain and sadness feel not as strong. It is so greatly appreciated. xxx

      Reply
  • 14. georgeforfun  |  March 19, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Reblogged this on georgeforfun.

    Reply
  • 15. georgeforfun  |  March 19, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    By sharing your feelings of love and loss, you give hope to many that don’t know the words to say how they feel and have felt. The light you shine for others is not wasted. Our loved ones never leave us as long as we remember their love & the life they shared with us.

    Reply
    • 16. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:04 pm

      Thank you for your very kind words and for your reblogs. I find that it does help to write about him. In some ways it keeps him real – meaning he is still here, being the annoying guy who used to drive me nutty:). And make me laugh. And invoke trouble with my boys. Good trouble, of course. I miss being outnumbered. Xxxxx

      Reply
      • 17. georgeforfun  |  March 20, 2015 at 5:16 pm

        My pleasure to read and reblog/share with others. I came to social media, WP being the last place I joined over 2 years ago for therapy and it’s been wonderful for me to interact with so many people. I’m not sure who’s helped who more, but it only matters that people are helped in any small way. I try to contribute smiles and laughs and a shoulder or eyes as I can here and there.
        I’m way outnumbered and love it. Until end of year, I have 4 sets of Twins here at home (4Grands, 2Nieces, 2DaughtersInLaw) My Twin Sons are in military assigned school in upper NY, finishing end of year, hopefully.
        Sometimes when it’s really quiet, I’ll feel my missing ones, infrequently I’ll hear a voice, a laugh, a giggle from my Daughters. It reminds me that they’ll never be gone, just not available for a hug or a tap from them on the back of my head or the Geez, DAD, TMI)))
        I have learned to treasure those memories as a prize, not a reason to feel bad or pity myself. Not sharing their memories and all the joy they gave me was selfish and counterproductive to moving on and ultimately not what they would’ve wished for me or the rest of our Clan. Everyone has to heal differently, but thankfully they don’t have to be alone unless they choose to do so. )));<))
        Sounds weird and odd, but becoming a mute has made it easier to practice my writing and let loose some of my emotions. I'll never be a professional, but I can do unstructured dang well)))))))))))))) Wishing you a wonderful day and weekend. ))))

      • 18. words4jp  |  March 21, 2015 at 1:56 pm

        Yes, I would say you do unstructured dang well:) xxxx

      • 19. georgeforfun  |  March 23, 2015 at 5:15 pm

        TY, I guess it’s one of my few adventures into rebellion
        );<))

      • 20. words4jp  |  March 24, 2015 at 2:10 am

        😉 rebellion is good – as long as it does not get you into too much trouble. 😉

      • 21. georgeforfun  |  March 24, 2015 at 6:08 pm

        moi, trouble? I can always blame the “voices” in my head, just because no one else can hear them doesn’t mean they don’t exist)))))))))))) Someone has to talk in there))))))))))

      • 22. words4jp  |  March 25, 2015 at 2:01 am

        True. So true. I am the same way. I gots lots of voices….

      • 23. georgeforfun  |  March 25, 2015 at 6:58 pm

        I know the emotions in this song.
        indeed and often.

  • 24. hitandrun1964  |  March 19, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Let me know as soon as you find out, please. I woke up this morning freaking out because I kept reaching for him in my dreams but I couldn’t hold on or grab him and I saw things I didn’t want to see AGAIN and it was awful…again. There is no delete button, so that you can only save the good stuff. The thing is, the last moments, the bad things, seem to sometimes take up more room that all the years of fun and love. I’m so pissed off Kim. I swear, when I get to the other side, someone better start running because I’m coming for them and I won’t stop until I get whoever is responsible for this crap.

    Reply
  • 25. nottooold2  |  March 19, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss Kimberly. Hugs.

    Reply
    • 26. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 1:00 pm

      Thank you – it is what it is and every year I keep telling myself this and every year I miss him more and wish he would return. xxxx

      Reply
  • 27. Dom DiFrancesco  |  March 19, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    I suppose that the best you can do is keep him alive in your memories. 😦

    Reply
    • 28. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      Yes, you are right and I do. I wish I could pick and choose which ones, but life does not work that way….unfortunately.

      Reply
  • 29. busymindthinking  |  March 19, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    I send a warm embrace and a listening ear, you are loved.

    Reply
    • 30. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Thank you Belinda. You are so very sweet. Your warm words mean a great deal to me. I hope all is well with you and the boys and Matthew. I have been away a bit, but returning. xxxx

      Reply
      • 31. busymindthinking  |  March 20, 2015 at 3:15 pm

        You are loved my friends. Boys are all great and Matthew and I are a work in progress physically, but emotionally we are one. Huge hugs.

  • 32. Souldiergirl  |  March 19, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    Oh honey. ❤️ hugs and love. I understand- I’m so sorry

    Reply
    • 33. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      I know you understand. Yesterday was a day of trying to stay busy and not cry. And thankfully Peyton was with me last night. He certainly provided quite a bit of distraction. Nothing like watching someone dancing in front of a TV and talking to a basketball team that cannot hear a word he is saying……. They refer to March Madness as the Big Dance. Yes, I saw it first hand!!!

      Reply
      • 34. Souldiergirl  |  March 22, 2015 at 3:31 am

        Haha that is so cute. Distractions are good- whatever you feel and whatever you need is good. ❤️sweet beautiful Kim ❤️

  • 35. JMC813  |  March 20, 2015 at 2:12 am

    A single tear shed for your loss, and a firm hug to let you know you are never alone friend.

    Reply
    • 36. words4jp  |  March 20, 2015 at 12:46 pm

      Thank you so very much. Your words mean a great deal to me. xxxxx

      Reply
  • 37. Noora  |  March 21, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Hopefully one day the darkness fades, and you’ll be able to bask in the light of the happy memories – and only them. It’s such a heartbreaking path. Love always, -N

    Reply
  • 38. Ms. Vee  |  March 21, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Hugs coming your way!

    Reply
  • 39. Tracesofthesoul  |  March 24, 2015 at 3:47 am

    I remembered this date last Thursday and in response to shadows…they fade in time…not as pronounced and the brightness overrides…in time, your time. Blessings xx

    Reply
    • 40. words4jp  |  March 27, 2015 at 1:48 am

      Thank you so much for your lovely words. I wish sometimes, they would fade faster than they do in real time. xx

      Reply

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