the constant chatter

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each morning light brings fear and sadness

I wish I could hide from the world.

but life awaits, so it takes all i have to push on, move forward.

I must go to work – I have no other choice – people depend on me.

as i walk through the door, the mask is slipped on and a smile painted on my face.

I can NEVER let them see how I feel.

the day drags along and i am fighting back tears,

I want to hide under my desk.  I want so much to disappear.

while those around me are mingling and laughing – sharing pleasantries and smiles.

I cannot stop looking at the clock.

i wait desperately for the workday to be over.

I have come to the end of my rope.

as i leave the office, i fake one more smile.

I need to get out of here – NOW.

while getting in the car, the tears begin to fall.

I have to get home.

a feeling of calm returns as i pull into the driveway.

I am finally home.  I am finally alone.

i tear the clothes off of my body, sit in the shower and cry.

No one can hear my pain.

many minutes later

i get dressed,

fall into bed,

pull the covers over my head.

  No one can see my pain.

i do not want to think,

i do not want to speak,

i want to be numb,

feel nothing.

This world would be better without me.

BUT

somewhere, someplace

there is a voice

drawing me near –

BUT

I can feel

something

inside

holding tight –

not letting go.

some kind of force –

calming my nerves,

clearing my head.

I am exhausted,

I just want to sleep,

if only for a little while.

MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.

I will try.

MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.

i will try.

≈

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this is dedicated to those who suffer depression

and

their dogged determination to

  ‘push on’ day after day.

≈

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