a scent

February 17, 2014 at 2:25 pm 7 comments

it is there…

so vivid, so strong.

i believed i had conquered it.

i believed it was gone.

but

it was not.

i was wrong.

how could a scent from so many years ago

still haunt me and bully me –

affect me so?

how can it still fill my senses,

and

freeze my thoughts?

take me back to childhood memories…

i detest

and

have fought?

why do i get anxious

and

defensive –

feel the need to retreat?

how do i battle

an all-encompassing response –

and

avoid this habitual defeat?

the last time this scent infiltrated my senses,  was the last time i saw my father alive.  i know that not every person who drinks and smokes is an alcoholic.  my head knows this, but my heart cannot – will not – process it.  it rules with an iron fist.

all of my senses become acutely aware – what i smell, what i hear and what i see.  even the slightest effects are gravely exaggerated.    i am no longer a 49-year-old sitting at a table in a restaurant – i am a 6-year-old sitting on a bar stool wishing my daddy could be different.  i experienced every cigarette, shot of whiskey, beer chaser, shout, stumble and along with it, extreme fear and loathing.

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Entry filed under: advice, alcoholism, answers, death, depression, father, feelings, friends, grief, life, memory, Personal, poetry, ponderings, prose, questions, reflections, Relationships, thoughts, time. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

confidant the constant chatter

7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. joeyfullystated  |  February 17, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Powerful.

    Reply
  • 2. acuriousgal  |  February 17, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Powerful is right

    Reply
  • 3. hitandrun1964  |  February 17, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Completely understandable. Common actually, for good things and for bad…sounds and smells can snap any of us back to a certain time or place. Your feelings are intense because the things it reminds you of frighten you and remind you of things you would rather forget. Scary things. Understandable. I hope you find some way to put this in your past, to short circuit it so that he doesn’t win by having a hold over you for the rest of your life. It’s a knee jerk reaction…a habit. Wear a thick rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time you think of this. Break the thought, rather than going with it. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Write a letter to him (alive or dead, doesn’t matter), and tell him exactly how you feel and that you are kicking him and the feelings attached to him to the curb. Then burn it and see the feelings go up in smoke. Even if you don’t believe it, and it doesn’t seem like it, it’s your life and your choice. You have to decide how much of it you are willing to give him. Get pissed off instead of afraid. Good luck.

    Reply
  • 4. JDrum  |  February 18, 2014 at 4:04 am

    I agree. This is definitely piercingly powerful.

    Reply
    • 5. words4jp  |  February 18, 2014 at 1:15 pm

      thank you so much;)

      Reply
  • 6. Dom DiFrancesco  |  February 19, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    Difficult memories to overcome for sure. It is amazing what memories a scent can trigger. I’m sure that it seems as though it was only yesterday.

    Reply
    • 7. words4jp  |  February 20, 2014 at 12:51 am

      Hi Dom. I miss you. I must head over to your neck of the woods. Yes, you are right about the triggers. I have not smelled that double whammy in a few years and before that since I was a kid. My response, though not surprising, freaked me out.

      Reply

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