frozen and unable

For the past year, I have been climbing stairs; one floor at a time.  In these last few months, I have reached the pinnacle – an open window high above the ground, so high that clouds block the view.  A few weeks ago, I opened the window, took a step out on to the ledge and just as I did, the window slammed shut.  I have been standing on this ledge ever since.

My dilemma – where do I go next?

Option 1:  I cannot turn around and open the window and step back in – the window is locked from the inside.

Option 2:  I cannot go forward.  The fall will bring certain death.

Option 3:  My only choice – choices really – I can move to the right or move to the left.

My predicament – I am paralyzed – frozen – unable to move in either direction.

I am at an impasse.  People are depending on me. I am depending on me.  I really need to move – life moves on and I must move along with it, but how do I break out of this state?

A reflection from the past —>

Many years ago, I was helping a friend renovate a house.  The day came in which work on the roof was required to complete the project.  My friend set up the extension ladder, handed me a bucket of paint with a brush and said “Go on – I’ll be up in a few minutes”.  I looked at him, looked at the ladder, looked up at the roof and looked at him – again and froze.  He must have read my mind because the next words which came out of his mouth were “Just do it – go slow, one rung at a time, and do not look down”.  (There were also a few choice words of which I will not repeat.)  I became a bit enraged, which in turn, motivated me to clamor up the ladder to the top of the roof.

When my work on the roof was complete, it was time to return to terra firma.  Again, I froze, but this was different – I was physically terrified.  My body trembled uncontrollably as I looked down.  It seemed so far away.  What is interesting about being on the ground looking up is that one’s perception is completely different from that of being up and looking down.  The distance from ground to roof seems miniscule compared to the distance from up on the roof to down on the ground.

I was stuck.  I was trembling.  I was horrified.  My friend, who was on the ground, looked up at me and his words, more delicate this time, were “the first part of getting on the ladder is the hardest, but once you do, the rest is easy.  Take a few deep breaths, relax, do not look down and do not worry – I will not let you fall”.  (Please note:  He did not say he would catch me.)  This time there were no choice words; couldn’t even if I wanted to.  Needless to say, I made my way down the ladder.  It took me about 15 minutes to gather up the courage to move – turn my body around on a sloped roof, slither backwards, blindly find the first rung of the ladder and step down.  My friend was my guide – his voice were my eyes and his words were my comfort.  I still had to do the deed by myself, but I had much-needed support.

When I think back at this particular incident, I wonder what I would have done if my friend was not there.  I would have made my way down eventually, but I do not believe I would have by myself. I would have waited for someone walking or driving by the house.  All I needed was someone on the ground, guiding me along.  The ladder was unstable (as ladders are), the roof was very sloped and the chances of blindly sliding on to the ladder, without pushing it sideways causing it to fall and not having anything solid to grab hold of on the roof (could not use the gutter) – well, let me just say, I could envision this taking place.  I needed someone to hold the ladder steady.  I needed to know someone was there, while I gained control of my head, which in turn, controlled my legs, arms, breathing, perception….

Back to the present—->

I am in the exact same place as I was many years ago, however, variables have drastically changed.  I am not painting a roof and my support is gone.  I am teetering on the edge of my life – having to make a life changing decision – and I have no one standing beside me to guide me.  I have been waiting for ‘cars’ to drive by, even flagging down help, but what I have received is a waving hand in return.

I understand that there are times in life when there is no one around but your own strength to pull you through.  I get that.  I understand the concepts of self-love * self-confidence * you can do it *  if at first you don’t, succeed, try, try again * self forgiveness * one has to be willing to get their hands dirty in order to make something happen * shit happens, deal with it * life goes on, do not let it pass you by * when life gives you lemons, make lemonade * ………  I can keep going and going and going, etc…..

You see, I know I can do what it is I need to do, but I am terrified and I am struggling with this internal fear.  I suppose if I know what to do, then I should be able to conjure up the strength to just do it.  Right?  Everybody else seems to believe I can do just that, but they are not inside of me and they cannot see this battle I am fighting.  I do not need someone to ‘catch me if I fall’ or fix it and make it better.  I just need a helping hand to steady me for the first few steps.  That’s it.  That’s all.  So, why is that so damn difficult?  Why?  I am fighting a battle for my life and all I need is a hand.  That is it.

different state, different roof, a different world that no longer exists