numb – revival – take 2

i have posted this blog twice before.  i was told once that i should not have, so i trashed it – but i have always held onto it.  this will be the third time i have posted it.  yes, it is depressing, self-loathing, terrible, unconscionable really.  why do i keep returning to these dark, bleak thoughts?  because they are how i feel.  plain and simple.  i cannot openly express them because i am judged and ignored by those i confide in.  so i keep them tucked away inside.  why do i post them?  to speak my mind and heart, i suppose.  helps ease the pain a bit….

I want to feel numb – feel nothing.

Feel no love – when it goes away, I do not have to feel so bad.

Feel no hate.

Feel no guilt – for feeling no love or hate.

Feel no hurt or pain – just a nothing existence.

Numb – be dead.  No feelings of anything, just nothingness.